How to Slay Database Performance Demons in Three Killer Steps

Like anyone who’s ever stepped out of an ice bath, I feel compelled to make a disclaimer: This post contains references to a popular streaming TV show, which I shan’t name, as I’d like to stop giving our legal department a collective nervous breakdown.

I’m tender like that.

Let’s just call it Weirder Stuff. *Stage whisper*: It rhymes with Manger Flings and has nothing to do with biblical bassinet tossing and everything to do with sci-fi stylings accompanied by rad 80’s tunes, sweet mullets and a villain that looks like a cross between a placenta and a velociraptor.


Because I’m a workaholic, I couldn’t stop spotting parallels between the growing horrors of modern database performance management and this show. In fact, as I was staring into the bloody, gaping maw of the aforementioned character we’ll call “Red Slimer,” I thought to myself, Carlos, you know what would be the worst job in the world? That’s right. Demon dentistry. I mean, have you gotten a gander at this thing’s mouth?

I’ve seen fewer bloody teeth in all of Shark Week, plus Sharknado!s 1 through 6: Shark vs. T-Rex – COMBINED!

It’s madness! There’s a reason you didn’t see Demon Orthodontist listed as a career option in those Sally Struthers infomercials. And it’s probably because you weren’t born yet. In which case I feel deeply sorry for you, as the Neverending Story duet in the Manger Flings finale couldn’t have moved you to goosebumps and tears. That scene touched my very soul! The limestone monster and Atreyu’s quick-sand-sinking horse were my childhood! Sing, Dust Bunny, sing!

But before my weeping, as I was contemplating how horrific it would be to floss Red Slimer’s teeth…

It occurred to me that, nay. Even demon dentistry isn’t as scary as cross-platform database management. Come. Enter the Venn Diagram that is my mind: Certainly, there’s not enough nitrous in the universe to sedate Red Slimer. You’d definitely get his plunger/eating claw to your face.

Yet as stressful as a freak succubus attack in the workplace is…

And it is most certainly that; nothing comes close to the sheer terror DBAs now endure. What’s making database management so scary – and how else does it relate to amorphous succubuses? (Succubi?) Well, you’ve got people on the business side, who aren’t exaaaaactly database experts, making decisions that should be made by, oh, I don’t know, maybe… database experts?!

It’s like an alien takeover!

Exactly! You’ve got these merciless scientists in the lab, conducting crazed experiments with no foresight or regard for all the risks they’re introducing. Everyone’s concerned with power and costs and no one’s listening to the DBAs. Yet the DBAs are the ones who have to save the world from slow database performance and costly database downtime. You’re doing your best to ward off disaster, but the alien takeover is in full effect!

And we all know what happens when aliens take over.

Spoiler alert: chaos. Every. Single. Time. Men in Black? Chaos. (Plus adorable pug footage.) Independence Day? Chaos. Independence Day Resurgence? A resurgence of chaos!

Miss being the sheriff of your peaceful, little database town?

Of course, you do! But you don’t have time to reminisce! You don’t have time for anything anymore besides battling this monster of a multi-platform database environment that just keeps growing and morphing and sucking the life out of you!

It’s time to tame this beast. *Shotgun locked-and-loaded sound effect*

Ready to slam database performance into submission – with your mind?

Let’s slay some database demons, mother Duffer.

Step one: Hunt down the root cause of slow database performance

When you’re managing multiple database platforms, and darting back and forth between performance monitoring tools, you fall down the elevator shaft of reactive mode. It’s inevitable. With all the pressure and distractions, what was once a little leech of an emerging issue can quickly grow into a giant demon of a problem, poised to eat database performance alive.

Consider dumping multiple performance monitoring tools. You need a single proton pack of a console that provides cross-platform visibility. Because danger always grows when you’re not looking. If you’re to survive in this scary new database world, you need supernatural views. Only with true insight can you identify and squash emerging demons. Which brings us to your second act.

Step two: Quickly devise a plan of attack and obliterate your opponent

Now that you can see where evil lurks, you need backup to destroy it. A good database monitoring tool drills down into the crime scene, solves performance mysteries and restores order. With built-in intelligence, rich analyses, pop-up advice and correlated workflows, you can take down any threat to cross-platform database performance. But the show ain’t over yet.

Step three: Prevent a resurgence of chaos

You can’t stop your database environment from growing and absorbing new platforms. But you can close the chasm on database demons and prevent any escape attempts. By properly stocking your database monitoring arsenal, you’ll achieve your full potential as the DBA hero you were born to be.

Never get sucked into the database upside down again

Arm yourself with database monitoring superpowers by downloading a free, 30-day trial of Foglight®. Like that bowl-cut-headed kid’s neck-hair-early-warning system, Foglight will alert you before evil can strike. Which means you can relax and binge watch Manger Flings without any interruptions.

Roll the bonus features

Get additional tips on battling stranger things in database management. Because you deserve a job that’s LESS stressful than wrestling fluoride into Red Slimer’s grill. With these DBA tips, you’ll shine as the database professional who can control any scary new technology business throws at you.

Tame the Terror

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