Who Would Win a Lightsaber Battle?

Co-written by Ryan McKinney

Star Wars

It's pretty safe to say that many of the folks here are big fans of  "Star Wars Day." Trust me, if you ask the dreaded "who shot first" question, you're going to get some heated and impassioned speeches.

**cough** It was Han. **cough**

But in any case, one of our most recent discussions led us to ask, "Who would win in a lightsaber battle?" Below are some of the top picks for who we'd like to see duke it out and who might ultimately win.


IT Director vs. SysAdmin

This lightsaber battle would undoubtedly be the quickest match of them all. The greatest advantage the IT Director can play would be his/her experience. The IT Director has seen it all, but time has passed and certainly they’re not as agile as his/her opponent, the SysAdmin.

While the IT Director has immense wisdom and far-sightedness, the SysAdmin is cunning and hyperaware of his/her surroundings. And, let’s face it, the SysAdmin has probably been using a lightsaber since they first heard John Williams' score. The SysAdmin also runs full steam on caffeine. Energy drinks, soda, coffee… you name it, they had a cup or two this morning. It’s more than likely that the caffeine coursing through the SysAdmin’s body would outdo the energy put forth by the IT Director. And really, all it would take is just one person to get tired enough for the opposition to strike.

At the end of the day, the SysAdmin spends the most time in the trenches and would be the fiercest competitor.

Victory: SysAdmin


[Fe] Man vs. Transforming Alien Robot

For this duel, the notorious billionaire playboy, [Fe] Man, has an early advantage.  At roughly six feet tall and armed with rockets on his hands and feet, he has superior speed and maneuverability.  He could literally fly circles around a giant Transforming Alien Robot (TAR).  Add a lightsaber, and it's easy to imagine [Fe] Man doing significant damage to TAR.  However, TAR would have a clear advantage in wide-open space, allowing him the visibility and space to time his attacks.

Still, if this battle took place on the city streets of say, NYC, it's feasible that [Fe] Man would use his size and the terrain to his advantage, hiding from and dodging the TAR's attacks. Armed with a lightsaber, [Fe] Man's guerilla fighting style may just be enough to bring a giant robot to its knees.  But don't forget [Fe] Man's special ability... his AI butler is waiting in the wings.  This AI butler would undoubtedly try to hack the robot's technology and disable it, making this duel a race against the clock for the TAR. 

Still, TAR is not without its own advantages.  While not as fast as [Fe] Man, he too can fly and may have an advantage in open spaces where he has increased visibility and room to maneuver.  Additionally, this robot is around 30 feet tall with centuries of sword fighting experience.  If the average long sword is around 4 feet, or 2/3 of the average male's height, it's likely that a giant transforming robot would have a lightsaber scaled to his size, giving TAR a lightsaber that is roughly 15 to 20 feet long and the width of an average man. 

In the end, TAR's size and superior strength means that he/she would only need to land one solid blow to [Fe] Man.  We find it likely that despite [Fe] Man’s speed and size, TAR would deal the final blow before [Fe] Man could break down enough of the robot.  The transforming robot's alien technology would make him particularly difficult to hack, despite AI butler’s attempts, which may just buy him the time he needs to swat [Fe] Man right out of the sky like a fly.

Victory: Transforming Alien Robot 


Radioactive Spider vs. Mutant Turtle

In a lightsaber battle between these two opponents, it would appear they have a relatively equal footing. Both the Radioactive Spider and Mutant Turtle have been exposed to radiation/oozy substances that would have killed any human or animal. Both should not be underestimated.

Radioactive Spider’s abilities really shine when you consider its size. While relatively undetectable, the spider could take out most opponents virtually undetected. Equally skilled at concealment, the Mutant Turtle spent most of his life in hiding underground. Because he knows the art of stealth so well, he likely would be able to detect the Radioactive Spider.

It’s not to be ignored that the Radioactive Spider also has great reflexes and agility, including wall crawling. But let’s not forget, the Mutant Turtle is an extremely skilled Ninja and is nearly equal to the Radioactive Spider’s nimbleness.

Also, one of the Mutant Turtle’s best skills is staff fighting! It is easy to imagine that he would wield a lightsaber very easily. It is this skill that really tips the scales in favor of the Mutant Turtle.

Victory: Mutant Turtle


DBA vs. Help Desk Technician

This battle would probably be the closest match. Both DBAs and Help Desk Technicians are gifted problem solvers and can remain calm and collected during even the most heated transactions.

Now the DBA has seen some major database battles; but, the Help Desk Technician undoubtedly is the master of putting out fires in his/her organization. Where the Help Desk Technician really shines is his/her patience. Think about it. Daily the Help Desk Technician must assist that handful of users that continually forget password and need a reset on all of their applications. Or those folks that need that reminder to turn on the power strip to their computer. Yes, the Help Desk Technician’s patience will take him/her far in this battle. Instead of making many attempts to strike the DBA with his/her lightsaber, the Help Desk Technician will instead be patient and wait for the right time to make the final and deciding blow.

Victory: Help Desk Technician


Jetpack Bounty Hunter vs. Space Bigfoot

Floating deep in space, far, far away from Earth, resides a forest planet full of warrior Bigfoots.  Trained from birth with fighting skills to protect their tribe, the tree residing Space Bigfoot is a crack shot with a cross bow and trained to fight in close quarters.  When faced against a flying Jetpack Bounty Hunter, battle terrain will be everything.  Without the power of flight, the Space Bigfoot is easy prey from the skies as Jetpack Bounty Hunter attacks.  However, given this obvious disadvantage, it's unlikely that Space Bigfoot would linger long in open spaces. 

At home in the forests of his home planet, Space Bigfoot would use the towering trees to his advantage.  With powerful claws and strong legs, Space Bigfoot could climb nearly as fast as Jetpack Bounty Hunter could ascend through the trees while using the dense wood as cover.  Swinging from a vine, the Space Bigfoot may be able to use his crossbow or even a well-timed blow from his lightsaber to disable Jetpack Bounty Hunter's flight abilities. Forcing Jetpack Bounty Hunter to the ground makes him an easy target from above. Still, the Jetpack Bounty Hunter comes equipped with a host of weaponry including small artillery rockets and wrist-mounted flamethrowers.  These weapons could feasibly be used to force Space Bigfoot from his hiding place in the trees where they must then face each other in single combat with their lightsabers.  Once exposed, Space Bigfoot would have a difficult time withstanding Jetpack Bounty Hunter's enhanced maneuverability.  In the end, the advantage goes to Space Bigfoot, whose powerful claws and climbing strength give him an advantage on his home world and his crack shot special ability would allow him to disable the bounty hunter's jetpack.  Swinging down from the trees above, Space Bigfoot wins this round.

Victory: Space Bigfoot


Your Turn

Let us know in the comments below if you think our predictions are correct or offer us your alternative scenarios.

Good luck and may the fourth be with you!